Monday 30 September 2019

Pluto goes direct: The highest mountain and the deapest cave....

In September Saturn went direct
and this month, October,
Pluto goes direct as well.
It will stay that way till January,
then both planets come together:
Did we transform and take responsibility?

The big transformation started in 2008:
what did you do?
Where in your life did you 'have to' transform,
or did you choose to….
The last year Pluto went over the same degrees,
so we got an extra chance to transform
and....if we didn't do it yet,
we will - have to - do it in Januari.

For some people this sound like 'doom day',
but that isn't the case.
If you feel like this,
probably you have some old habits/pattern,
that you can not let go….yet.
Realise you all the courage inside of you
that you need,
to live the live you where meant to be living:
A life of abundance, love and freedom.
That is different for all of us,
so there is no need for competition,
there is enough for all.

If there are some blockages there,
'life' will help you to let go....
With Pluto it can be drastic:
it wanst total transformation…..
like a renovation of a house ;-)

Our kitchen and garden is almost finished….
still little things need to be done.
It would be easy to blame someone
because it is not totally finished,
I know
that there is probably
some blocking energy...
It is not something big,
but still….
Patience and trust is needed ;-)

-I still don't know why this picture is like this….
I am sure there is a way to turn it,
but I don't know how....yet…;-)-

We went to Mallorca.
This time to a monastery. 
One very high up on a mountain.
Nico, my brother 
had said so many times,
that I should go,
so this time I went.
When I came out of the building,
I saw these stairs…..
When I came closer I saw this sign….

'a dead end street'....
We climbed the stairs:
they were beautiful.

The sights were great

It was not always easy,
especially the last part….
You had to climb on rocks,
to come close to the cross
to have an even better view….

It was very special for me to walk this path,
and when we went down to the sea again,
I let go of a lot of emotions.

Do we really walk the path to the Cross?
Do we really want to have an amazing view?
Do we really want to live life to the fullest?
Do we realise climbing is part of the deal? we KNOW deep down, 
that we don't have to do it alone,
that there always is someone
who will be there for you on your way up....

A dead end street….
yes, life is a dead end street.
While climbing you can enjoy the view
even thought it is tough sometimes.
You can take breaks 
till you have enough energy 
to go on again,
in the end you should look back
and enjoy 
an even better view.

The next day we went to the cave's:
a totally different energy.

Lot's of water at the deepest part and.....
there was a concert of classical music,
the musicians came on a floating boat....

Do we have the courage to go deep inside?
Or better, do we use our courage!
We have it all.. 
Perhaps if would be easier
if we Knew what would happen
and what the outcome would be….
Now we have to trust and be patient,
it seems so hard sometimes
and still
How come we went in this cave,
with a group of people,
with a guide we didn't know.
and trusted that all would go well.

We had to be patient,
wait in the dark, 
and trust that the lights would go on,
and there would be a concert.
We trusted the guide
we never saw before in our life..

How come we 'forgot' that we have this courage?
How come we don't trust our guides and guardian angels

Is it because we still hold on to 
old hurt, old emotions....
How was it for us,
when we where children?

Our body doesn't forget,
its cell memory is very good
and this is not always the best for us
at this moment.
At that time it was good.
It protected you,
NOW you can protect yourself,
you don't need it anymore.
If it blocks you from living the live you want to live,
it is time to look inside and clear
some old memory's.

We came in a small town,
where my brother lived as well.
It was special to feel 
how different the energy can be 
in different places.

I got nice reminders :-)

So we had a good time in Mallorca,
it was emotional,
setting boundaries
and a letting go of a special brother
on a deeper level.
Do you 
'Dare to live your dream'
and Know 
that you are
'Loved to the moon and back?'

You are!!

Tuesday 17 September 2019

Be the giraffe....

The giraffe is the animal that dears you to 'stick your neck out'....

How is it for you?
Do you 'stick your neck out?'
or do you prefer to blend in....

…..or stay behind your own glass wall…..

This month Saturn the planet of Karma and responsibility,
of quilt and shame and patience 
will go direct again:
what did we learn about this the last 9 months,
what did we let go 
and how are we going forward.

Did you have patience with yourself,
did you take time to go In
or are you still in an emotion of guilt and shame….
If you feel these emotions,
realise it is old…..
time to let go
and live for YOU!
Probably you are somewhere in the middle...

For me, the renovation helped me
to be patient,
to work hard,
to enjoy the proces,
and realise that it is finished, when it is finished ;-)

This giraffe is standing in our hall way.
We bought it years ago
and brought it from Ghana to Holland.
It is a special giraffe....
A long time
it was standing upstairs in the hallway.

A few year ago, when I was already in my bed,
there was a lot of noise
and something fell...
I heard it and....
didn't react....
Next morning the giraffe had a scarf...
and I let it be.....

Now the giraffe is standing
in our hallway downstairs and
still has the same scarf.
It makes sure the neck stays on it body ;-)
I love it!!

It is to remember
that whatever happens,
if you 'stick your neck out',
if you do something different
than most people do,
you keep going even though
you can get hurt or get hurt.

Think about the time you
learned to walk,
or ride a bike:
how many time did you fall down,
you stood up again
because you Knew
where you wanted to be.

As a child you kept going
and then somewhere in your teenage years
you forget about this.
You get hurt and...
a part of you is afraid to keep going,
to go for your dreams.

Are we programmed
that mistakes and failure
are wrong?!?
Are we forgetting
that it is a way to learn and to grow?
How are you as a parent
dealing with challenges of your kids?
Do they feel confident to try again,
or do you feel bad for them
because they mirror
YOUR wounds….

Everyone has wounds,
but like the giraffe in our hallway,
the scarf is dealing with it
and perhaps it needs some glue in the future ;-)
The wound stays,
but doesn't define you....

There are a lot of special days in a year,
and a few day ago it was 'suicide prevention day'.
I had to think about the giraffe
and the planet Saturn....

I read a lot of books on suicide,
personal books and 'scientific' books.
A lot of time a theme is:
quilt and shame....
'I am not good enough
other people expect more off me'
They forget about themselves,
they see themselves in the eyes of others….
for them they see failure....

Comparing yourself with someone else,
'thinking' that the other looks better, is better,
has nicer things etc etc…..
is forgetting that it is about YOU!
YOU are important.

Till next year, Saturn is the sign of Capricorn,
-as it was in 1988/1990-
its own sign, which means that it is very strong:
more discipline, more morals, more shame,
also more patience to let go off all the old patterns
that are outdated.
If not: more depression, more sadness,
not living in the now....

I saw an episode of 'Spoorloos' a program
were they unite families.
A girls of 8 was adopted by a Dutch family
and met her father, stepmom and sister again.
After 36 years she said:
 'I think it was my fault,
South Korea has a strong moral
and I said sometimes that my stepmom
wasn't my mom and I shouldn't have done that'....

How many children at the same age 
believe something about themselves
that is not true….
I think a lot....
I hope less and less.
I hope parents are closer to their kids
is this whish full thinking.....
Are parents safe enough in themselves
to let children make mistakes
or do they want to solve everything for them..

When our children where small
I thought:
'I would I could protect them
and when they are 20,
I could let them lose,
so they will be safe and happy'
Now I realise I was talking
from my wounds…..
They had their challenges
and like the giraffe in our hallway,
they go on to live the life they choose to!
I am a proud parent :-)

Most important:
Realising that failing and mistakes are stepping stones.
It is a way to learn.
If you are a parent:
make sure that there are 'mistakes'
and that this is part of life,
and part of growing
that you are there to guide them,
not to judge them….
For the writer of this book the most important prevention
against suicide.

The giraffe.....
a great metaphor...

And, as I do the last years,
made a new life cycle plan:
great to do,
and a great reminder to my inner conscious
what makes me really happy :-)

Sunday 1 September 2019

Patience....part 3

such an easy word to say,
so challenging if you are vulnerable…
Especially if there still a 'trauma' in your life,
that you didn't deal with.. yet.

In these times of letting go
it is so important to recognise your own patterns.

What do you do if you feel vulnerable?
Are you going to eat unhealthy foods,
are you on social media 24/7,
are you working hard,
being angry, irritated
or in a state of withdrawal....

The last few weeks the renovation was on hold,
because of holiday's.
When I expected them to start,
they let us know it was
'next week'......

In a way it was good.
I had time to visit someone I coach for a long time
and....even though we never met face to face
it was as we new each other for a long time.
We talked about all kind of things and also
about dealing with old pain/trauma.

Most of the time you need to visit a trauma
a few times before it is really gone,
especially emotional.
'I went many times back to the car accident
when my brother got killed,
and it get easier every time.
I don't know if I dealt
with it 100%....
The last time it came up was a long time ago,
so it could be, if not:
it will come up again
and I will deal with it.'

The 'next week' in the renovation,
became another week,
and when the kitchen would be finished,
they made the bar in the wrong way again….
Next week.....

Time to read good books
And we saw lots of hot air ballons….
Now I realise it was a sign for me to look from a distance…..
even though the plan was to look at them close by…..
If you are in a proces of transformation,
sometimes you need to look from a distance.
Sometimes it can help to ask someone to look with you:
a coach, a therapist, a good friend.

Then 'all of a sudden' 
-to admit you are vulnerable is not always easy,
especially to yourself ;-)-
I saw an old behaviour come up,
an old pattern and I didn't like it.
I also 'didn't know' how to deal with….

I have feeding my 'white wolf' much more then my 'black wolf'
-I am sure you remember the story-
and that helped.
Automatically I detox.
Not only with food,
also with people,
social media etc.
and I am in a state of withdrawal....

In the evening I took extra time
for me to be alone
and looked inside.
It was different from all the other times:
this time my inner part showed me situations 
where I did what I wanted 
even though others didn't like it
The results were amazing:
they changed my life....
and others.

After this, I felt so much better.

There was one thing, I couldn't place yet:
'how come I still have this?'

About a half year ago I bought a book
and I still didn't start in it.
Most of the time, if I buy a book,
I want to finish it as soon as possible.
I started with this book.

I also read an article about one of the other books I read,
it had to deal with trauma as well:
'If you are in a prison long enough, you become the prison'

In astrology, 
the planet Saturn is the symbol of that prison.
It is your upbringing, society, what you 'should do', 
institutions, discipline and responsibility.
Every 7 years this planet helps you to grow.
If you feel depressed and down, then most likely
you don't do what YOU want to do,
you do what OTHERS expect you to do....
When you are 28 it is the time  
to take responsibility for YOUR life.

On they other hand:
Saturn's prison is one with no door.....
if you 'turn around' you see that there is a way out!
The only thing is: 
you h a v e  to turn around….
If you do,
then you will find out 
how powerful you are, 
how much discipline you have and patience... 
The thing is:
realising there is an open door!!

That other book is about trauma,
about emotions and the brain.
Written by a past professor of psychiatry
and founder of the Trauma Center in Boston.
Even though I trust my way of working,
sometime it feels good to read that there
is also scientific 'proof' in how the brain works!

One sentence in the book 'hit' me:
' may become chronically scared that people hate you, 
or you may feel like they are out to get you.'
Immediately  an image come up when 
I read the first part of the sentence:

'I walked out of the church after the coffin of my brother.
All people cried and I couldn't…..
It was my fault they were so sad….
If I had hold his hand nothing would have happened,
we would not be there and nobody would be sad….'

So when I said to Hetty:
'I think I dealt with it, but if I didn't it will come up again'
Now I can talk about it, can write it down,
because I know how hard it must have been 
for the 10 year old me.
I visited this 'trauma' many times
and.....didn't start visiting this till I was 40...
Then I started dealing with it emotionally,
my body however showed me
at 28 that something was going on.
At that time I couldn't....
It was the time that Saturn 'asked' me
to take your own responsibility,
I couldn't then…..
I didn't realise that the prison I was in 
had no door.....

Now I know,
and my body still gives me signs
if I don't deal with my emotions..
-my wrist is so much better AND....
lets me know immediately
if I do something someone else should do....
-I am writing now and Jaap is in the garden ;-)-

Autumn is coming.
Beautiful leaves will start to show there colours
and.....will fall….
The time of harvesting….
of being still.

Time to look at your patterns and behaviour 
when you are vulnerable:
are there old trauma's that need attention?
Do you give them time
and can you be patient with yourself?
KNOW you are worth is,
let the harvest be abundantly.

And our renovation?
It will be ready when it is the time.
With the wrong parts of the kitchen
we can make a table or a coat rack ;-)
Let's look at it in a positive way :-)