Tuesday 30 July 2019

Transforming and setting boundaries.

A wasp and a butterfly.
The wasp was attacking and the butterfly stayed….
it flapped it's wings,
and the wasp stayed away….

If you meet a wasp,
it gives you a message:
how are your boundaries? 
A butterfly shows transformation.

If you are in a proces of transformation
setting boundaries is very important.
To be a butterfly takes time.

The oak processionary caterpillar 
is shedding many times before it transforms.
The first 3 are without fire hair,
they fire hairs come with the 4th, 5th and 6th shedding…
I hope that the itching I have now,
are the fire hairs of the last shedding….

While transforming,
 it is important to remember:

'Just' go on with living and let the transformation be part of life.

So we are living in our renovated house....
and again there are 'more walls to fall down'
to let go of more old parts
to make room for space….
For some spaces nothing new will come….'only' space…

It is like getting used to eating good food and all of a sudden
when you tast 'your favorite' food, 
you don't like it anymore…
It is like meeting with an old friend, a relative
and all of a sudden you don't feel a connection…
It is like realising 
feel you don't belong anymore,
if you come back to your hometown….
Sometimes it is time to move on....
to enjoy the space….

and space we have :-)
and it comes with responsibility's….
It needs to be painted,
old parts need to be cleaned 
with ammonia and a scouring sponge.
'Fly shit' needs to get of the wood
by the new ceiling.
-Our fly screen couldn't be placed
because of misunderstandings - Mercury retrograde ;-)-
so we had lots of unwanted visitors….-

The dream stealers, 
the people who always see the glass half full.
People who like you to stay as you are,
so they don't have to look at you
as a mirror,
someone who is confronting them with themselves…

I visited a great woman yesterday,
93 years old 
a lot of physical challenges
positive, open minded,
full of humor,
respect for people,
and also down to earth,

She loves her (great) grand children,
her children and there spouses.
She sees there flaws AND there good points.
No good or fault,

Perhaps it is good to talk more with people like her,
to see things more in perspective,
especially as you are in a proces of transformation/renovation.

They lived there live,
had to go trough many transformations
and show you 
that if you go on,
it will work out!
Perhaps not always as you wanted it to be,
but it will work out.
If there is no other option
then accepting,
life will show you 
you are stronger then you think.
If you made a mistake
forgive yourself,
and make the best of it
and....life will give you miracles.

I loved living next to my grandparents,
I learned a lot about unconditional love
not taking myself to serious
and just to be me.
They didn't have to take care of me.....

I know a lot of grandparents 
take care of there grandchildren.
That is great if there is space and room,
to enjoy themselves,
to share story's.
I am not sure if it is always ok....
If it is to busy,
grandparents will be parents
both party's could miss out.
Grandparents should
-as I see it-
be special.....
people who show us that live will always be good,
that there are challenges
you never get more then you can deal with.
Their story's show us
that challenges in life,
are there to show you how powerful you are.
They show you how you can will be
as you deal with these challenges….

Transformation and renovation…..
not all that is 'old' is bad.
Keep the good things :-)

Thursday 25 July 2019

Renovation and transformation....an ongoing proces...

With 5 planets retrograde
-besides Mercury,
Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune and Pluto are also retrograde-
it is an ongoing transformation in our selves.

It is like these patio tiles
they are new AND in between there is still space...
I already put special sand in between,
sand so 'no weed' will grow in between….
After 3 times,
-it looked like all the spaces were filled-
there is again space……
space for 'weeds'..
I have to do it more often.

It is with transformation as well: 
you think you changed, transformed,
and it looks like you did,
there is still room for 
old habits, old patterns.

You realise this when, as a new non smoker,
you meet old friends and talk like old times'
and they still smoke….
You realise this when you lost weight 
and then it stay's the same
and someone invites you for 'sushi'....
You realise this when you broke up 
and even though you know it is a good choice,
one evening when you feel lonely
he or she calls.....
You realise this when you quit your job,
started a new one and the first challenges are there.
All of a sudden you remember all the good things
of your old job.....

All of this doesn't mean you made the wrong decision,
it only means that you can not change overnight….
All the years you lived this old life,
is like a familiar road,
like acting as 'a child' 
when you come back to your parents home...
Take time to fill in the spaces
with new and healthy patterns for YOU,
and realise that it takes time and 'work',
like putting sand between new tiles...

The renovation is going ok,
there are challenges:
it seems we/I need to have more patience,
to take time,
because there IS time....
Part of me still 'believes' that I have to do it NOW....
as if I don't have enough time....
-could be that it is still has to do with the period I had cancer,
do I believe deep down that I have time...…?-

Mercury 'helped'
-part of the kitchen was wrong,
some was broken,
-because of delays, people were not available
to help
-because of holiday's, people could not start
and because of the delays that is a good thing now.
-my leg made sure I had to take it easy,
and I went true a quick cleansing: coughing, sneezing,
all in 2 days instead of  a week...
This will be the new kitchen….it looks ready, it isn't yet…..
My leg is getting better...not healed yet….

There is still 'rubish' that needs to be thrown out.

I decided to show you all parts of renovation,
I hope you can share parts of your transformation as well....
not only 'the good part', 
also 'the challenging parts'.....
Accept ALL parts, they are ALL good.

By accepting all parts
you will be more relaxed.
Your inner part will be more relaxed,
so it can let go easier and quicker.
So in short:
the more you can accept,
the more you can relax.
The more you can relax,
the quicker you can let go.
The more can let go,
the more space there will be for 
all the things you desire.
It will come when you are ready
and till then:
you enjoy the road.

And to end this:
-most of the kitchen is ready and it looks great :-)
-the delays made sure we had time to relax and to meet special people.
-my body is working great, I am so much more then my 'sore leg' :-)
-We couldn't have done the renovation all by our selves,
I am so grateful for all the great people who helped us. 
It is as with transformation: it is so much easier if you share and
be open for help.

There is a lot of noise at the moment:
the old toilet is going, the new is going in,
a ceiling is being replaced
and the sun is shining.
I will go outside and put some sand in between the new patio tiles,
and realise I probably have to repeat this tomorrow ;-)
Live is good!

Wednesday 17 July 2019

Renovation and transformation.....Eclips time part 2 and Mercury retrograde.

How are you all doing?
Did you sleep tonight or
did you wake up in the middle of the night?
Are you irritable and blaming others?
Do you meet 'old people' from the past?
Are you missing appointments of do people not react to your mails?

All of this has to do with the eclips
and a lot of retrograde planets.

Last time I wrote about the deep roots in our garden:
we found even deeper roots and
concrete tiles deep in the sand…..
We are in the 'in between stage':
there is a rosehip, but it is not red yet….

When you are in a proces of transformation,
at one point you think you let go so much 
that you almost believe you are almost there….
Then another emotion, 
related to the one you thought you had let go,
will come up.
Just to make sure if you are dedicated enough
that you really want to change....
sometimes you realise that you hold on to emotions
that are not even yours…..
they could be from your parents, grandparents,
or from society....
Those 'concrete tiles' are heavy and it takes 
effort to get them out.....
sometimes you need help to let those go....

We had a shortage of tiles in the bathroom and....
it takes 3 weeks for the new ones to come…
Our patio tiles came a day early
Someone failed her exams and...after recounting passed :-)
I moved so many old bricks...again to another place
and this morning a new tile fel on my leg.....
All Mercury retrograde and.....
should I take it more slowly?!?
We are getting there, the new kitchen will be placed,
Jaap is tiling the back,
The coming weeks/months
-lets be patient, and take time ;-)-
we will finish the inside.

In the front of the house we will put all the stuff
we don't need anymore.
When all is there, we will ask someone
to collect it 
and to get rid of it.
I am sure that for some people 
who will pass our house it seems like a big mess.
For us, it is the past:
one time it was good for us,
now it is time to let go
and start new.

It is the same when you made a decision inside to change.
People around you don't know your path,
your progress.
For them 'all of a sudden' you act different:
you stand up for your self,
change habits and 
perhaps change relationships or jobs.
For the outside 
you are not the same anymore,
not the person they are used to.
They didn't see what you all did inside.

They see 'rubbish'.....
when you start to let go
and probably need time to get used to the new you.

They have to get used to the new you,
as you had to get used to your new you.
Now you are grateful
and happy to start new...
Other people will be as well or....
will get a different rol in your live.

Take your time to let go...
Give yourself space and light

KNOW that the universe only wants the best for you.
KNOW you are powerful beyond measure.
KNOW you have much more courage then you realise.
KNOW that life should be fun and joyful,
that this doesn't mean that there are no challenges….
They 'help' us grow ;-)

Have fun, be grateful, have patience,
take responsibility and enjoy life.
You are worth it!

Sunday 7 July 2019

Transformation and renovation part 5, eclips time....

And then.....
more delays....
All the old stuff was gone
and it looked like the new didn't want to go in....

I am sure you can relate to this:
you are in the progress of transformation,
and you 'think' you are as good as ready
and then…..
you are stuck….
-the weight is not going of as you thought it would
-you think you can never enjoy certain food again, is that true?!?
-the new job is not as good as your thought it would be
-old issues come up about a relationship/in a relationship, you thought you left
-you still feel not free in a new relationship
What is going on?!?
should I just let it go?
Will it never be for me?

A crack in the glas ceiling....
And....instead of looking inside,
we looked outside of us....
I got a terrible skin rash,
lot's of itching....
The hairs of the oak processionary caterpillar....

While not transformed into a butterfly/moth yet,
it makes a lot of troubles....
It is like the time from the old to the new.....
The time between letting go of the old
and inviting the new
is a challenging time....

We have to realise that there is an in between….
These berries of the Rowan tree, 
look like the end result, 
but are not red yet.
They transform from a white flower into berries 
and then you have to wait till they are red.....

When we decided to look inside:
'Are we ready to invite the new?'
I realised we were ready for 60%,
not 100% yet….
There was an old emotion AND....
we had to do something ourselves first....

In our garden we had to clean the roots of the Rowan tree, before we could
cover them up again…..
a good reminder, that we have to look at our shadow….

This decision changed the energy:
immediate after this, Jaap got an app:
'We have a solution, we are coming with 3 persons tomorrow to work'.

I also got a great book to read.
There was nothing new in the book,
it was a reminder.
The book is written with lots of humor :-)
-a great book to read for all of you!-
I realised that our life cycle plan showed what we wanted as well:
renovation AND relaxation….
We have time for relaxation ;-)
Every chapter of the book ended with the advise:
Love yourself….

We are all in a period of transformation.
This eclips is helping as well,
as is Mercury retrograde that starts July 7th.
Time to look inside,
how do we communicate with ourselves….

Every eclips is a period of changing,
this one,
just before jan. 2020
is even more important
to help is to transform.
To let go
what is outdated,
To let go
to make space for the new.

Probably for most of us,
it is like the butterfly stuck in the new part of our house,
like the itching because of the processionary caterpillar.
Do we go on to be the best we can be,
or do we find excuses
not to have to look inside.

Do we forget,
that what is blocking us inside,
are old emotions,
started when we were younger
or do we have the courage
to deal with them,
step by step.

For us:
We worked hard in the back yard:
moved lot's of sand,
changed patio tiles.
In between I changed my practice as well:
I thought it was ready,
but it wasn't…..

If you change one of the 5 pillars:
body, relationship, society, mind, financial/loving yourself,
then there need to be a new balance….
So realise that if you are transforming one part of your life,
the other parts will change as well....
We can not hide….

I found so many snails
-with the abundance sign on there house-
Do we stay in our 'house'
or do we have the courage to come out
and live a life of abundance.

I let you all in our process of renovation,
I wish you all a great time
of your personal 'renovation'/ transformation.

Realise you don't have to do it by yourself,
ask help if needed,
have patience with yourself,
make sure you take time to have fun,
you are not your roles.….
you are LOVE,
in a process to love yourself unconditionally
and be open to attract what makes YOU happy
Be grateful for all the 'help' the universe gives you.
Perhaps you don't see 'the gift' yet,
I hope you will see and realise it soon.

Transformation means letting go.... the month June....

June 21.
For most of the people it means the start of the summer.
For me it was always the start of the summer,
and then it was the weddingdate
of my ex brother and sister in law.
Later it was also the date
that my sister decided she didn't want to live anymore.

And now, after 12 years,
lots of things happend.
12 years is a Jupiter cycle.
We are starting a new circle.
Jupiter the planet of healing, growing, expansion.

How is it with our healing?
Can we deal with it on a deaper level?
Did we deal with it?

I am so grateful that she was in my life.
Lisette was a fun loving and caring person.
A great mom, a great friend.
She was also insecure,
wanted to please everyone
and forgot about herself.
Not a lot of people knew
how difficult life was for her,
because she felt she couldn't share it with everyone.

After 12 years I like to keep the good memories:
As a teenagers she was rebelious,
did what she wanted to do:
let's be happy with rebelious teenagers,
they show us how  unique they are,
helping to make the world a better place!

As a mom, 
she talked to her kids,
read to them, played with them,
explored with them and had fun.
Lets remember to take time with our kids.

When she wanted to change things in her life,
she started
when people around her questioned her,
insecurity came up.
Let's remember that starting something new
takes courage,
so lets support people
who have the courage to change.

Most important for me: respect.
Respect someones decision,
respect someones choise,
respect each other.

Last but not least:
Know that all of us do the best they  know at this moment.
If you know more, you can make different choices.
Never stop learning,
raising your consciousness.
And sometimes you have to say to yourself:
'If I knew what I know now,
I would have made a different choice,
then I did what was best at that moment'

A tribute to a wonderful woman,
deep down I would she would have been longer her with us….

...so true and not always easy....

On June 17 last year, we went to Bahrein:
a last road trip before we would go to Holland.
It was special.
Lots of desert storms,
not a lot of visibility….
In Bahrein I saw this and got a feeling:
Something would happen that would be bad...AND...
we/ I could deal with it....
I also knew, I had to share it, and I did….
My sister said: 'we can deal with everything'
when I mentioned this.
I knew she was right AND....
I expected something challenging….

We were busy packing,
and on June 26
I had a last coffee with some people 
who wanted to share
and some help:
'I had some challenges in my life'
- I told them- 
'apparently I needed to go through them to help others….
to have personal experiences….'

When I came home,
I had a missed call.....
When I called back,
my brother, Nico, was missing...
Could it be, that I had to experience
a 'repeat trauma' ?!?

That afternoon,
I 'saw' a happy brother...
and I Knew it was not a good sign for us....
That night I wrote this.....

Nico, mijn kleine broertje
toen hij klein was en met mij meeging naar Hengelo
'ben je met je moeder op stap?' 
Ja....met een knipoog naar mij.
's Nachts bij mij in bed als je heel veel jeuk had,
en na verhaaltjes viel je weer in slaap.

Heel benauwd zijn en...
ik was bang dat je dood ging. 
Je ging naar het ziekenhuis
waar ik in de schoolpauze op bezoek ging.
Het plastic horloge dat ik je gaf raakte zoek.....
dat vond je erg.
Bij de eindmusical op de lagere school stal je de show: 
entertainen zat in je bloed.....
misschien wel te veel...

Toen ik lesgaf en in Goor woonde, 
haalde je mij tussen de middag op:
'ga mee thuis eten.'
Je kwam op bezoek op mijn kamer:
bij mij mocht je altijd alle koekjes opeten.
Je bracht Loes een toeter toen ik in het ziekenhuis lag: 
jij kwam na school nu bij mij in het ziekenhuis.

Je ging naar Mallorca
en heel lang kwam ik daar niet: 
wij dachten dat het alleen maar een partyeiland was.

Hoe blij was je
toen je tijdens een etentje in Nederland met broers en zussen 
vertelde dat je vader werd.
Ik werd Maren's peettante, 
dat was de eerste keer dat je vertelde dat je soms in een dip zat.
Alles wilde je doen voor Alicia,
en na Maren kwamen er nog 2 kinderen.

De laatste jaren kwam ik bijna elk jaar op bezoek
en jij zei: 'je komt precies op het goede moment, 
hoe doe je dat toch'.....
toch waren dat vaak uitdagende momenten...

Jij wilde dat Alicia gelukkig was, 
de kinderen gelukkig waren en.....
vergat daarbij soms jezelf.

Een maand geleden had ik nog een lang gesprek op skype met jou. 
Je had het moeilijk...deed je het wel goed?
'Je hoeft niets te doen om goed gevonden te worden,
je BENT al goed'......
ik maakte me zorgen en.....kon niet zo veel..

Maren werd 16 en ik wilde iets speciaals voor haar doen.
Jij gaf aan dat je graag naar Vamps wilde.....
ik had er nog nooit van gehoord. 
Wat heb je Maren blij gemaakt met die tip.
Ze heeft samen met Fabienne van het concert genoten.

En nu ben je er niet meer....niet meer hier,
maar altijd in mijn/ons hart.
Ik zie op facebook het vrolijke gezicht van je
en vroeg me vaak af hoe het echt met je was.

Sandra en ik wilden zo graag dat je zag hoe wij je zagen:
Een geweldige, lieve, vrolijke en kwetsbare broer,
vader en man.

Een troost voor mij is dat Lisette, pa en ma 
er zijn om je welkom te heten waar je nu bent.
Ik gun je de rust en......
als je die hebt gekregen
weet ik zeker dat je er altijd zult zijn voor Alicia,
Maren, Erin en Ewan.
Hele dikke knuffel
Ik hou van jou

-for translation click on 'Vertaal mijn Web'

Now it is a year ago....
lot of things happened.
More to let go....
More to trust...
More to transform....
More to respect....
More to love AND let go.....

It is only a year ago.
I didn't see you so often
and when we spoke it was often
because there was a challenge...
So in a way it is strange as well,
strange to realise you are not here anymore.

you are so special....
you taught to give,
you taught respect,
you taught how to put a mask on....
-you made beautiful face paintings-
I wish you felt save enough 
to take your mask off... 

I am sure your decision 
did help a lot of people to
'take there masks of'
I would 
it could have been done in an other way....

'Fok it'....

I feel you are happy,
and I can let go....
It also makes me sad sometimes....
Not only for me,
but for all the people you touched....

We have to do it ourselves now.....
I Know you will be there for your children....
they still need you,
even if it is from far....
I trust and let go....

Thank you for being my little brother,
thank you for being you.
Thank you for making the world a better place.
We remember you by
sharing memory's and there are lots :-)

We remember to have fun AND take our mask off,
being vulnerable AND powerful
it is and/and, not or/or.....
We are more patient with our selves
transformation takes time....


Your favorite song but....
now by an 8 year old girl,
I wish she can do what she does now,
AND always feels she can be her self to!