Sunday 1 September 2019

Patience....part 3

such an easy word to say,
so challenging if you are vulnerable…
Especially if there still a 'trauma' in your life,
that you didn't deal with.. yet.

In these times of letting go
it is so important to recognise your own patterns.

What do you do if you feel vulnerable?
Are you going to eat unhealthy foods,
are you on social media 24/7,
are you working hard,
being angry, irritated
or in a state of withdrawal....

The last few weeks the renovation was on hold,
because of holiday's.
When I expected them to start,
they let us know it was
'next week'......

In a way it was good.
I had time to visit someone I coach for a long time
and....even though we never met face to face
it was as we new each other for a long time.
We talked about all kind of things and also
about dealing with old pain/trauma.

Most of the time you need to visit a trauma
a few times before it is really gone,
especially emotional.
'I went many times back to the car accident
when my brother got killed,
and it get easier every time.
I don't know if I dealt
with it 100%....
The last time it came up was a long time ago,
so it could be, if not:
it will come up again
and I will deal with it.'

The 'next week' in the renovation,
became another week,
and when the kitchen would be finished,
they made the bar in the wrong way again….
Next week.....

Time to read good books
And we saw lots of hot air ballons….
Now I realise it was a sign for me to look from a distance…..
even though the plan was to look at them close by…..
If you are in a proces of transformation,
sometimes you need to look from a distance.
Sometimes it can help to ask someone to look with you:
a coach, a therapist, a good friend.

Then 'all of a sudden' 
-to admit you are vulnerable is not always easy,
especially to yourself ;-)-
I saw an old behaviour come up,
an old pattern and I didn't like it.
I also 'didn't know' how to deal with….

I have feeding my 'white wolf' much more then my 'black wolf'
-I am sure you remember the story-
and that helped.
Automatically I detox.
Not only with food,
also with people,
social media etc.
and I am in a state of withdrawal....

In the evening I took extra time
for me to be alone
and looked inside.
It was different from all the other times:
this time my inner part showed me situations 
where I did what I wanted 
even though others didn't like it
The results were amazing:
they changed my life....
and others.

After this, I felt so much better.

There was one thing, I couldn't place yet:
'how come I still have this?'

About a half year ago I bought a book
and I still didn't start in it.
Most of the time, if I buy a book,
I want to finish it as soon as possible.
I started with this book.

I also read an article about one of the other books I read,
it had to deal with trauma as well:
'If you are in a prison long enough, you become the prison'

In astrology, 
the planet Saturn is the symbol of that prison.
It is your upbringing, society, what you 'should do', 
institutions, discipline and responsibility.
Every 7 years this planet helps you to grow.
If you feel depressed and down, then most likely
you don't do what YOU want to do,
you do what OTHERS expect you to do....
When you are 28 it is the time  
to take responsibility for YOUR life.

On they other hand:
Saturn's prison is one with no door.....
if you 'turn around' you see that there is a way out!
The only thing is: 
you h a v e  to turn around….
If you do,
then you will find out 
how powerful you are, 
how much discipline you have and patience... 
The thing is:
realising there is an open door!!

That other book is about trauma,
about emotions and the brain.
Written by a past professor of psychiatry
and founder of the Trauma Center in Boston.
Even though I trust my way of working,
sometime it feels good to read that there
is also scientific 'proof' in how the brain works!

One sentence in the book 'hit' me:
' may become chronically scared that people hate you, 
or you may feel like they are out to get you.'
Immediately  an image come up when 
I read the first part of the sentence:

'I walked out of the church after the coffin of my brother.
All people cried and I couldn't…..
It was my fault they were so sad….
If I had hold his hand nothing would have happened,
we would not be there and nobody would be sad….'

So when I said to Hetty:
'I think I dealt with it, but if I didn't it will come up again'
Now I can talk about it, can write it down,
because I know how hard it must have been 
for the 10 year old me.
I visited this 'trauma' many times
and.....didn't start visiting this till I was 40...
Then I started dealing with it emotionally,
my body however showed me
at 28 that something was going on.
At that time I couldn't....
It was the time that Saturn 'asked' me
to take your own responsibility,
I couldn't then…..
I didn't realise that the prison I was in 
had no door.....

Now I know,
and my body still gives me signs
if I don't deal with my emotions..
-my wrist is so much better AND....
lets me know immediately
if I do something someone else should do....
-I am writing now and Jaap is in the garden ;-)-

Autumn is coming.
Beautiful leaves will start to show there colours
and.....will fall….
The time of harvesting….
of being still.

Time to look at your patterns and behaviour 
when you are vulnerable:
are there old trauma's that need attention?
Do you give them time
and can you be patient with yourself?
KNOW you are worth is,
let the harvest be abundantly.

And our renovation?
It will be ready when it is the time.
With the wrong parts of the kitchen
we can make a table or a coat rack ;-)
Let's look at it in a positive way :-)

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