Tuesday 29 September 2020

Being strong and victim ship.....part 2

 Once, someone who didn't know me so wel, l said:

'You didn't experience life, heartache,

I think you just read it in books....'

I was quiet and didn't react....

didn't know how to react....

Now I know it was a compliment:

even thought there were tough situations in my life,

I choose to live,

to enjoy

and let my 'trauma'/ hurt be my fertile soil.....

Can you let your victim ship go and let go of all

the benefits it had?

People who gave you extra attention,

attention you needed and never got...

People who look at you and see a mirror,

and like to look in it, so not to deal with there own sorrow?

People who don't confront you, because they are afraid

of confronting them selves, so they 'love' you to stay in that position....

Can you be your own parent

and change....

so your children don't have to go through it themselves


do you want to 'protect' your children...

not realising that by doing it you 'just'

don't want to take responsibility for yourself....

Does your body give your signs?

...later that evening....Sept. 28 1968...

I am in my parents bed,

I couldn't sleep,

lot's of people in the house and then....

my grandmother comes in.

My grandparents lived next door,

and at that time, 

my grandpa was in the hospital.

My grandma visited him with my aunt

and there was talk

of taking my brother with them to visit grandpa....

they didn't....

My grandma looked at me and said:

'He was to good for this world,

that is why God took him, '

he is now an angel in heaven'.

.....he was too good?!?

and....if you are 'too good' then you have to go to heaven?

and....you are supposed to be good?!?

It was very confusing for me.....

Now I can see it different,

I am older and wiser - I think ;-)-

and Astrology gives some perspective...

With Uranus you are supposed to be authentic,

choose for YOU,

only....Uranus has also something to do with society,

like minded groups... a family....

Did we all need a 'wake up' call to choose for us,

instead of doing what other people let us know what to do?

Probably we did.....

a wake up call for the adults.....

so they can be themselves and 

let the children be themselves as well....

I know his dead was not only shocking for us,

the family and

for the people in the little town we lived in

Did it work?

Even though it was challenging,

yes it worked....

Our parents wanted us to do what we wanted to do,

take chances...

with responsibility..

So started my mom her own shop

and cooked my dad two days a week,

so it was good for us as well.

My brother wanted to step in my dad's business,

but my dad wasn't sure he wanted it for the right reasons:

'first you check out what YOU want to do'

Did they deal with all the emotions

losing a child?

I don't think so....it was to much,

there was not 'enough' time

between business and a big family.

They protected us in there own way:

my dad Knew and Saw me 

and let me see how working with 

people with a handicap was......

He was right, 

the work I could have done,

only emotionally

I was not ready for it.....

I choose to be a teacher.

It took me almost 30 year to deal with it,

30 years with more unexpected events

and my 'surviving' skills came in very handy.....

Live helped me, taught me


 again Uranus helped me to heal.

Unexpected events and being taught by life

made me stronger:

it was time to 'live again'......

start to trust,

let go of control

and enjoy life.

In Holland it is more strict now.

We need to go back to our selves again,

meeting less people

so we have time to heal....

Heal parts of ourselves,

so we can be healthy parts of society.

I hope and wish it only takes 3 weeks:

a lot of planets are retrograde,

so the 'only' way is in.......

at least if we want a 'new/better' society,

WE can take responsible for our selves

and by that,

taking responsibility for all of us...

We are One....

Monday 28 September 2020

Trauma and healing.....be good to yourself.

52 years ago it was a normal day as all other day's,

it was a Saturday.

I don't really know what happened during the day,

only that my brother had a playdate with a neighbour boy.

At the end of day it was busy: 

we had to prepare for church,

my mom was busy with the little ones

-my youngest brother was just 3 weeks-

and al of a sudden she shouted:

'Berndien, Huub is still at the neighbours house,

will you get him?'

It was almost 7.00 and 'Barend de Beer'

was on t.v: 

the last thing to watch  

for the youngest ones 

before going to bed.

I had to hurry, and my sister

wanted to go with me so

I took her.

Ten minutes later the world changed....forever....

....and trauma starts...

I am sure all of you had similar situations in your life,

something so tragic happens,

that you live to survive,

protect yourself in the only way you know how.

Patterns and habits are formed till 

your inner consciousness 'decides' 

it's time to deal with the hurt 

and let light in.

This awakening isn't always as nice 

as this picture makes it look ....

Sometimes another loss, a near death,

an illness or 'a blast' -Beirut- or 'a viris'- Covid 19

is necessary.

Do we look at our shadow

or are we projecting....

Do we remember 'the secret' and do we attract what we want,

or do we attract what we don't want...

Talking about 'no masks'  and 'the virus'

instead of inner freedom 

and responsibility for ourselves

and each other.

Will 2020 be the year of the virus and the blast,

or the year of transformation,

the time we looked in the mirror,

realising family is important,

realising we are all One, 

realising nature is great and powerful

and we are part of nature.

I am sure it will be AND the year of the blast and the virus

AND the year of realising we, as society, needed a change.

Probably it is 

as with my trauma of 52 years ago:

I needed time to deal with it,

I was just a child of 10.....

Luckily a lot us are adults now,

we can react as an adult and deal

with our hurts in an adult way.

It is different for people who were ill, 

lost loved ones, their jobs, 

homes or business,

for them it takes more time.

I hope they Know they are not alone,

I hope instead of projecting 

they are looking inside

and take time to heal.

We are all a big family

living in a big house, mother earth

If I look back at 52 years ago,

I realise I needed almost 30 year to start dealing with

the car accident that killed my brother.

Before that I blamed myself, 

projecting this to the outside world:

what ever happened to me 

I deserved .....I thought.....

Now I Know,

we deserve abundance,

that is our birthright.

I also Know that

attracting has to do with energy,

our own energy....

If we as community want change,

and we want it very much,

then the energy will help us to get it....


the only way it can come to us,

if the blockages are gone 

who prevent us from attracting:

our energy has to change...

It is as if you want to go to the other side of the building

and there are all kinds of furniture and boxes in your way....

Do you really want to go to the other side building?

Is there something you Really want?

Do you want to use effort and time to clear your way

or......is staying were you are easier.....

do you prefer to complain

or do you choose to take action and effort....

If you take the effort to be the best you can be,

you are of service for all of us....

for society.

I choose to wake up

and realise that I still hesitate some times

the difference know is that

and I don't punish myself anymore

....not all parts are fully awaken yet ;-)

The more I let go of guild and shame,

the less I judge.....

Trauma and healing.....

it takes time....

Be good to yourself,

love yourself,

your worth it.


Thursday 24 September 2020

What do we really know.........


We went a few days to Scheveningen,

to celebrate the beginning of my new year.

The weather was beautiful and after breakfast

I went outside to find a spot in the sun.

When I looked inside, I saw Jaap trough the mirror....

I realised that this picture 

is also an image of

how the world is at the moment:

we often see each other,

but don't 'hear' each other....

It is as if there is a wall between us,

a wall we don't see....

We have 'our truth' and are not open 

for 'the truth' of someone else. 

I saw the documentary 'the social dilemma'


and was shocked....

At the moment a lot of people go to social media
to find answers, to get informed,
especially about the Corona virus.

How do you know 
that what you read is right?
Especially if you have tunnel vision.....
and only read 'one side'......

Education should teach children/people to think,
to investigate,
read books and ask critical questions.

Now I see a lot of fear and anger,
not dealt inside, 
but projecting in the outside world.
As if we look in the mirror
and want an other image
by doing nothing ourselves...

The energy of the year 2020 is one of transformation,
letting go of patterns and habits that are outdated,
following rules and regulations that are not ok.

How about following 'groups' on social media
who 'just' want to feed your fear,
and forget about that we are all One,
one society?
Is it easier to do that,
than to deal with your own fear and anger?
It seems so.....

Let's choose to be responsible,
let's choose to look inside,
look at the mirrors close to you,
and feel at peace with yourself first.

On my birthday a special woman left this world,
she was 94.
She choose to be happy till the last day.
If you look at her live,
and look at all the challenges she had
you can decide that she had a tough life.....
She didn't.....
she always had a smile on her face:
she looked at what she could do,
instead of what she couldn't do.
Was she only 'the sweet little lady'?
She had her opinions
respected others.
-you could tell on her face how she thought about it ;-)-

She took responsibility,
saw the challenges as stepping stones,
and....loved life!

Let's choose to increase the dose,
more love....
Love is free and it grows by giving,
first to ourselves,
so we have more to give to others.

In the documentary there was a quote:
'If something is free on social media or the internet,
then that is not the product, 
the product is YOU'.... 

How many of us realise that we are becoming a product,
we are being used...
Do you check facts
or only from one source....

Do you still read books:
if they are to expensive,
you can go to a library.

How is this in relationships?
If you choose to be in a relationship,
then the only way to do it,
it realising that you are mirroring each other.

You will be challenged,
'just' so you can be the best you can be.
It will not always be easy,
but it is worth it.
You will grow,
raise your consciousness,
let go of old patterns 
and not only do you see each other,
you will 'hear' each other.

Most likely you have to deal with 'false truths'
in the relationship and
you choose what to do with it....
Do you listen to your inner guide,
or 'what other people think' ...

The 'like button' was make 
to make people feel good about themselves,
now it is making young people insecure:
'I don't have enough likes so......I don't belong/am not good enough'

Do we have to leave social media,
or do we have to have regulations.
Do we have to leave a relationship,
or do we have to set boundaries.

Social media is still so new,
we don't know how to deal with it.
Wouldn't it be great if schools teach it?
That teachers are educated how to deal with it?

Should there be regulations about age?
Could it be a chance for schools
to teach self worth, self respect and
talk about insecurities and 
about growing as a human being?

For the woman of 94,
social media was great:
she watch video's of her great grand children,
got messages from her grand children
and pictures from holiday's.
She could talk to her sister in Australia.

She only used what she needed,
what do we use?
Are we addicted?
Are we 'lazy' to think for ourselves?
I am not sure.....

The only thing I know it that we are all ONE,
and I choose to treat the people on my path,
the way I like to be treated.
I choose to be the best I can be
respect myself.

I have the courage to walk away
from people,
not because I don't love them,
just because I love myself first.
This courage is growing ;-)

Saturday 12 September 2020

Looking back and.....looking forward....


This week is my 'old year'.....

time to look back....

look back at a special year


a reminder that I don't go that way.....

I go forward to the future.

I keep on looking at my own shadows....

I see people reacting instead of responding...

realising I do that still sometimes....

instead of reacting from power and love,

I react for fear...from guild and shame....

Often I 'just' read it in the wrong way.....

Talking about 

'being your self'

'loving your self'

'your worth it!'

is one thing.....

to feel it

and live it,

is another.....

How afraid am I, 

how afraid are we.....

feeling judge and....

instead of looking inside

we go to 'our old' guild and shame place....

My biggest drive it to let go of this,

so the next generation doesn't have to deal with my issues....

I decide to let it stop with me,

so they can thrive, live there own live....

I choose to look in the mirror,

be grateful for the past

and contribute to the future

by trusting, enjoying and be grateful.

I started my birthday life cycle plan 

and this is part of it...

I choose to deal with my challenges,

I choose to accept and be happy....

Knowing that all that happens will help me 

to become more ME....

I Know....

I can always see the same situations in a different way,

and....it can be from guilt and shame,

or from love, acceptance and gratitude...

Last week, 

I saw lots of feathers, and butterfly's

...so I know I am being protected.....

I also realise,

I can see situation in my way:

I can choose to see it 'negative or positive'....

We  were supposed to visit our son and bonus daughter in London

this weekend.....

for the second time it didn't work.....

I am sure there is a good reason,

even though I don't know what is is ;-)

I choose light over dark, 

what do you choose?

I looked back to learn from the past,

so I don't have to go through it again...

As a child I didn't have a choice,

now I have one.....

I choose to let go of old cell memory's,

not only from me,

also from my parents and grandparent....

so there is lot's of  space

for love, light and peace 

for me and....

for future generations...

Can you let go.....

even if it is challenging....?

I hope so:

the energy of 2020 is helping...

Perhaps it is not going as you imagined,

but I am sure,

it is going just as it should be.....

Let's look at the whole picture...

Monday 7 September 2020

A spiderweb...


When I looked outside I saw a spiderweb

....a sign of autumn.

Also a sign of the times we are in....

Some people feel trapped

and can not trust anymore,

other people accept

and keep on building there own life.

Some can set boundaries,

other feel they are 'being eaten alive'.....

Is there one truth or are there different one's.

Does THE truth exist.....

I think THE truth is never the same...

I think love and respect could be A truth...

If you can love and respect everyone,

and trust that everyone does the best it can do...

you feel at peace.

If you love and respect yourself,

you set healthy boundaries

and instead of being angry at someone else,

you take action to re-build your own 'web'/life.

A spider build it's own web,

not someone else's.

It build its web and  trust

that the universe will bring food.

When someone breaks the web,

it doesn't get angry....

it 'just' rebuilds it.

Do we build our own 'web',

or do we listen to 'the web'

and forget to listen to our heart

and feel what is right.

We can get lots of information on the web,

but no Knowledge 

and only Knowledge will bring us wisdom...

A spider woman eats its male after conception....

How are we with setting boundaries?

Can you let people go

because they are not good for you

even though you love them

or....do you 'let them eat you?'

You see at the picture that there is lot's of light:

the picture was taken outside....

From the inside I could see the spiderweb much more clearly.

Isn't that with life as well?

With all the things that are going on in the outside world,

we sometimes can not see what is going on inside of us...

Mirrors are not always clear....

This month will help us to go inside

with Mars going retrograde on Sept 10,

we will re-visit, re-charge, re- do what we 

did from July:

did we take charge,

did we set boundaries,

did we take action that was needed

or were we 'fighting against' something...

We can make different choices.....

As from Sept 13 Jupiter 

the planet of healing, 

growing consciousness,


will go forward again


Mercury will go in it's shadow the same day...

Can we go forward in a way that is good for us

and the people around us/ society?

Do we realise we are as strong as 'the weakest link'?

A month later Mercury will go retrograde

and we can re -do, re-visit if needed.....

Can we see both sites or do we

'eat' the other, or let us be eaten....

like the spider.....

Mercury will go into Scorpio, the end of the month

and most likely will touch deep emotions,

deep passion and will help you heal deep wounds....

The spiderweb.....

what a great sign of trust,

of living your own life


following your own truth

and set healthy boundaries.

Let's be amazed this month

and be a bit more like the spider ;-)


Friday 4 September 2020

Grappenhaus and Irish coffee....


For people who read this and don't know 'Grappenhaus':

he is the Dutch minister of Safety and Justice.

He got married last week.

 Paparazzi took pictures and....

he didn't follow the 1 1/2 meter rule....

This brought a lot of emotions too a lot of people,

also from me. 

I was on the defending site and a lot of people

on the blaming site.....

I think mr. Grappenhaus works hard,

is reliable and.....

a human being, not a god...


when I could distance myself from the situation,

I realised, 

I didn't react in a calm way.....

I reacted in an emotional way.

What was going on?!?

I like to live as healthy as possible


I drink Irish coffee....

That is something that is not really healthy

and....it is special for me.

A part of me thinks I should stop drinking this

and.....that part feels guilty, shame..

-I know when this started, so I can understand why

but still......-

Am I know an unreliable person?

Someone who doesn't do her work in the best possible way?

Probably a part of me 'thinks' that.....

A part that is mirroring 

the guilt and shame in me,

the part that let's me know

'you are still not the best you can be

and.....you should!'

It's the part that doesn't realise we are all one,

doing the best we can.

It's the old part, the old emotions

from a child a teenager.

It's the part 

that believe it is not exactly good as it should be:

parent, teachers, church, society

let them believe they 'should' be different....

should be 'perfect'...

-whatever that should be...-

As I wrote before: 

we went visiting vulnerable people

in this corona time....

We didn't always follow all the roles...


we were responsible:

we were healthy,

took our distance most of the time,

but not always.....

Yesterday one of these people died,

not because of corona,

but because of old age....

I am so happy we didn't follow all the rules,

because the smile on his face

and even the last hug 

will stay with me for ever....


it makes me realise that

you can do both:

follow the rules and be responsible.

As an adult you can do this....

as a child/teenager this is challenging...

I wonder how many people 

who are blaming mr. Grappenhaus,

didn't follow the rules all the time but....

didn't have paparazzi at them and

'got away with it'......

I am not sure it is the same with the government in Lebanon:

the elections are not really fair,

there is corruption,

and most people don't see that things go better.....

Will people stand up and speak from determination

and will the followers do the same?

I hope so, 

than I am sure there will be a positive change as well.

In Holland corona is 'stable'

less people in the hospitals,

less on the IC

even if there a still 

lots of people getting infected.

The washing hands, taking distance

made sure there are less other illnesses.

In just heard the other day that pharmacy's

in Germany have medicine that are on here expire date

because less people get sick....

Isn't that great!

We have more freedom

and the government asks 'responsibility'...

I hope it will not take too long

that we can come together with lots of people again.

I am sure it will be in the next year.

-I know it sounds long and.....

I realise that we perhaps need more patience....

also with ourselves...-

Saturn will go in Aquarius next month:

can you let go of your 'own strict rules'

about yourself,

can you be patient

and KNOW you did the best you can

and will do better

the more you Know?

Of is there still a lot of shame and guilt...

as if you are not good enough....

that you expect from yourself to be 'God'

instead of realising you are 'just' Human....

I wish we all can let go of these old patterns,

so when Saturn goes into Aquarius

we will remember that we are a community,

and that this community

is as strong as every individual. 

That we are all human

instead of Gods.

Humans die...

that is part of life.

Can we accept this

and celebrate life.

As human we can make 'mistakes'.....

mistakes that helps us grow,

that is the way we 'learn'.

Can we change the guilt and shame

into responsibility....

The fines for people 

who didn't follow the 1 1/2 meter

will be probably less

because of what mr. Grappenhaus did.

Probably this is ok. 

Those who got fined will take responsibility next time...

-I hope, I assume....-

and let go of guild and shame.

I hope mr Grappenhaus can do the same,

and will remember a great wedding day

and let guild and shame go....

So what about the Irish coffee.....

I am not sure yet....

do I really like it,

or is it that I take it 

because it remember me at a time

that I was so strict and this was the only treat I took......

Am I still so strict 


can I let go...

We'll see......it is a path and

'I choose to be nice to myself'......

This is a picture from a few years ago,

our hands together in the water...

Don't we all have to go through emotions first

to REALLY connect.....?


do we want to go through these emotions,


do we choose to walk away from them..

Do we realise that by doing so, 

we also walk away 

from a society we imagine

we desire....

Tuesday 1 September 2020

The last months of a special year...

It's the beginning of the last months of 2020...

A year that for all of us is different than we expected

and exactly as it should be....

A year of change

A year of transformation.....

How did you do?

Did you get lot's of mirrors and could you look inside,

or was it too hard....

When I looked back at my last post of 2019, I wrote:

'In 2007/2008 we ended the year with lot's of fog,

the same as this year -2019-. Do you remember what happened in 2008?'

Are we still in the 'fog'

or is the sun clearing the fog....

Often we don't see the whole picture

Often we react from old pain 

instead of looking at the whole picture...

The netflix serie 'Rita' is a great story.

I started watching it 
because it is a story 
about an unconventional teacher,
and I was sure 
I would recognize situations and reactions ;-)

It was much more.....
It is a story about authenticity,
about pain,
old patterns and.....
making sure children can be themselves....

It seems that 'Rita' Knows what she does
even though there are some challenges
in her personal life.

In season 4 her teenage years and adult years come together.
A healing from her inner child.,
and all of a sudden 
her wearing a lumberjack shirt all the time
gets meaning.....

How can you love yourself,
if you feel you are not being loved?!?
How do you 'demand' love
and.....can you take the next step:
heal the hurt
still take care of others
without hurting yourself anymore.....

At the end she wears her lumberjacks again,
now instead from pain,
it is from love and determination......

We walk our own path
in our own time....

In the beginning of our life,
it is our parents who 'know best'....
at least that is what we hope, think, expect...
In an ideal world they are best....
However they have there 'wounds' as well..

In school we start believing
that we have to become someone,
in a time 'the school' thinks is right for all.
Sometimes we need more time,
and sometimes we are bored.....
and it can let us believe that we are not good
just the way we are....

This year is a year of transformation
and it looks like
we want to do it in an 'old fashion' way.
We want to blame the teacher,
blame someone, 
because they don't see it our way....
and it doesn't go as we see fit...

Let's stay openminded,
deal with our own emotions
and 'sail'......
Let's not stay in the harbour:
boats are meant to sail,
people are meant to go places....
Where do you want to go?

It could be that so much has happened in your life,
that you are still overwhelmed....
It could be that 'staying in the harbour'
not dealing with your emotions,
feels save.....
only....you don't go anywhere....

Perhaps it is still easier to give than to receive....
because deep down 
there is a believe
that receiving comes with pain and heartache,
it comes with conditions...

'All together now' is a great movie.
It shows how a teenager
takes over a parent roll and 'forgets' to be 
'just a teenager'...

I am sure lot's of you can relate to this
perhaps you still do
and 'forget' to live your own life...
Perhaps you feel you are surviving,
instead of living...
Do you feel being heard, being seen?
Do you listen to your self,
do you See yourself?

We are 'all together now'....

We can choose to demonstrate, 
to fight, to blame 
and forget that we are part of the whole
or we can choose to 'bury our head in the sand'.
We also can choose to trust.
To make our part of the whole,
as good as it can be,
so we talk from inner power
instead of inner pain.

'All together now' is an amazing movie.....
Like the serie 'Rita',
it fits in this special year...

Let's choose to accept all we receive,
even if it is challenging sometimes.
Let's choose to be grateful,
be proud of ourselves.
Let's go on with letting go,
so we have space for all that makes us happy.
Let's be 'magnets'
and attract what we love...

Let's choose to sail...
and leave the harbour.

choose to take time for YOU,
to reflect, to enjoy and be happy...
even if it is for a few minutes a day
to start with....