If we choose not to deal with our broken pieces,
we will subconscious live from guilt and with anxiety...
You can see it in the outside world,
only are you prepared to look at them inside of yourself?
After reading the book Peace from broken pieces,
I realised that I recognize more pieces than I did 10 years ago...
I got a reaction from indirect from a very dear person:
'How come Berndien can help so many people
and somethings she doesn't for her self......'
My dad walked away angry when we had 'wortel stamppot' ....
-mashed potato's with carrots and onions-
he didn't like it and.....
I felt bad for him:
he worked hard was very busy
and....'now he had nothing to eat!'
My mom was not affected by it.....so it seems,
but it became very quiet at the table.......
I recognize patterns in my own life.....
I realise that I cook what Jaap likes,
even if I don't like it so much....
When I re-visit this situation,
I also realise that they didn't talk to solve this,
my dad 'just walked out'.....
something I can do as well.......
even if it is getting better....
AND....if my soul wants to take a next step,
and my mind doesn't 'see it',
then my body shows me there is 'old anger'....
-while writing this I have a coughing fit....-
When I look at my siblings, I see a same pattern
and also a pattern that is being solved....
I am glad because it means
that our kids don't need to inherit it ;-)
How challenging for parents.....
How can we trust that life will give your child exactly what it needs?
We didn't always get it so
we decide to take control....
'we know better, so we will do better'
That is true: you do what you think is best,
not realising you have 'broken pieces'....
I had a great dad,
he worked hard and had his own business.
When he saw me on the bike
while he was in his truck,
he stopped and asked how my day was.
When I was late coming from school
and it became dark,
I often saw him coming with his truck
to pick me up.
The bike went in the back and I was sitting next to him.
A great dad and.....
he was one of a family of 14,
he was in the middle
of the bombing of his town in World war 2,
he was a soldier in 'Indie'....
When talking about society and politics on the dinner table
we could have heated discussions and that was ok,
only not for my mom.....
she didn't like it at all....
She was also hard working, as was my dad,
and.....she had a business heart....
She wanted us to study,
to do all we could do and was proud of it.
When I decide to do social study's,
she didn't agree and talked bad
about people who went to do this.
'If I lived now, I would choose to be a teacher
Just guess what I became....
She did lot of courses and
managed the shop they had at home.
She also was a skillful tailor.
Even when she was married and had small children
she helped out at her parents home,
even made dresses for her sisters and mother....
All for free.
She couldn't go to college
because 'girls didn't go to college'
Her brother went, but.....
he was not 'made for it'
What did I learn?
'You should work hard,
and do what other people expect from you
because then you will be loved'
The last years of her life were not so easy:
her children were not at home anymore,
she didn't know what she wanted
and what she liked.
She asked us first what we thought
and then her sisters
when they didn't like it,
she didn't want it anymore.....
When I came back to Holland in 1997,
I felt the same
'What do I really like,
what do I want?!?'
I choose different courses,
all about 'social study's'.....
both my parents were very interested in it
even though some of my siblings thought it was 'weird'.....
This helped me to heal part of my broken Pieces....
When my parents died,
I got other roll models to help me to heal broken pieces.
I needed some more healing
and I attracted a woman with the same energy as my mom.
I learned a lot from her
AND could let go of some broken pieces....
Power over/manipulating instead of inner power,
I did a lot for free.....
Also male figures: powerful man, nice man,
who forgot to use there power and were manipulating...
also not using their power.
Groups who worked together, like a family,
but were not equal, didn't feel equal......
What was my personal lie?
-'I am never enough'
-'I only am loved if I DO things for others'
-'You shouldn't be yourself, because then
your different and different is weird
and then you don't belong'
-'You can not trust people, because they
are only nice if you can do something for them,
after that they will let you down.'
Even though I KNOW/KNEW these things are not true,
my FEELING tell me sometimes
Those feelings are emotions,
it is not intuition!
The difference between those two
are not always easy to recognise.
Intuition is calm,
Emotions are hurtful, explosive, not calm.....
often Broken Pieces......
If I look at the world,
I see a lot of emotions,
a lot of broken Pieces.
I also see more and more acceptance,
people who stop looking at the news
and start looking at their own live again.
They enjoy the 'little things',
being grateful for what they have,
realising life is to short to not enjoy it.
They start to look inside their own life,
start to look at broken pieces.
For me, this is the start of Peace....
The last weeks of 2021
will be hectic and transforming....
if you choose to,
hectic and violent: our choice...
Can we 'Let go and let 'God''
or do we think we know better.....
A good movie to watch again.....