Traveling....

Are you ready for 'old stuff' to come up,

or do you think you solved 'everything' already?

I was traveling on the day, my sister committed suicide, 16 years ago.

On Facebook a memory came up: 

 June 21.

For most of the people it means the start of the summer.

For me it was always the start of the summer,

Then it was the wedding date of my ex brother and sister in law.

Later it was also the date that my sister decided she didn't want to live anymore.

We are now 12 years later. Lots of things happened.

12 years is a Jupiter round.

We are starting a new circle.

Jupiter the planet of healing, growing, expansion.

How is it with our healing?

Can we deal with it on a deaper level?

Did we deal with it?

I am so grateful that she was in my life.

Lisette was a fun loving and caring person.

A great mom, a great friend.

She was also insecure,

wanted to please everyone

and forgot about herself.

Not a lot of people knew

how difficult life was for her,

because she felt she couldn't share it to everyone.

After 12 years I like to keep the good memories:

As a teenagers she was rebellious,

did what she wanted to do:

let's be happy with rebellious teenagers,

they show us they are unique,

helping to make the world a better place!

As a mom, she talked to her kids,

read to them, played with them,

explored with them and had fun.

Lets remember to take time with our kids.

When she wanted to change things in her life,

she started and insecurity came up

when people around her questioned her.

Let's remember that starting something new

takes courage

so lets support people who have this courage.

Most important for me: respect.

Respect someone's decision,

respect someone's choise,

respect each other.

Last and not least:

Forgive.

Know that all of us do the best they know at this moment.

If you know more, you can make different choices.

Never stop learning,

raising your consciousness,

and sometimes you have to say to yourself:

'If I knew what I know now,

I would have made a different choice,

then I did what was best at that moment'

A tribute to a wonderful woman,

deep down I would she would have been longer her with us....

All reactionRose Curtis

 When I re-read it,

fond memory's came up 

and the changes that happened after her decision

were not in my control only....they feel good now.

I traveled late in the evening, so I had time.

Time to do something for others and...

time for me.

It was challenging: what could I do for ME.....

I decided to go for a walk and that was great,

then I read a book and started my journey.

At the subway, I let two trains go,

because I thought they would not stop at my destination....

I realised later that they would have......

Could it be that sometimes a part of me is afraid.

Afraid of making the wrong choices 

and by that, I let good opportunity's go by?!?

It could be only....that is ok.....

I will still end up at my destination. 

I only will be there a little bit later:

it is not a competition......

Accepting, forgiving and trusting....

I don't know if you were ever in the subway in London:

there are lot's of stairs and....lot of diversions....

The last part of my journey was by train.

When I wanted to go to the station,

it was not possible:

'There are no trains from this station,

go back with the subway and go to the last one.'

The other one, was 'the seven sisters'...

-I read the books: the 'spiral theme' is in them as well..-

Ok....sometimes you have to go back

-life is a spiral ;-)-

so I went back to the subway to realise

that my oyster card had not enough balance

and I had to top it up.....

How is it with my energy: do I still give to much sometimes?

Do I have to stop, replenish before I can go on?

Do I need to look into some old patterns?

Luckily the topping up went quickly

and I went back to the last station

as.....did lot's of passengers with me.

At the station it was very busy and there was a delay.I

Lot's of stairs again.....

Luckily I didn't travel with an extra suitcase.

I was suppose to do that, 

but an other arrangement was made

Then there was an announcement:

we had to change stations 

because there was a person hit by a train.......

We had to wait a long time

and then a train came.

I went on, 

only....not all the people went on

and it felt not ok....

I asked....and could jump off the train just in time....

It was the wrong one.....

How often do we move on to quick,

to quick because we are afraid to 'miss the train'...

Don't take enough time to heal,

to re-visit, to rest and enjoy 'the now'....

How often do we think we are the only one

who can help someone else 

and by that we

don't give others the change to help as well...

make our lives a bit easier.

When the next train came and someone wanted to jump on,

I asked her to wait and checked....

no....we had to wait a little bit longer......

When you wait,

 are in a period of healing,

you don't have to do it alone,

you are not alone.

Ask for help or be the one who is helping....

 

When the right train came

it went quick and relaxed.

On the airport everything went quick and easy.

I had time to relax,

time for 'my next move'

I realise how grateful I am for the challenging situations in my life

-for me they are stepping stones instead of mistakes...-

I can look back and be grateful AND go on and look forward to the future.

I don't need to hold on......

I am the person I am because of all the things that happen in my life.

I choose to let go of the pain, the guilt, the shame and forgive,

let love, happiness and light in.

While I write this, I realise also that I still have some 

old outdated habits.

That I hold on to unhealthy/immature behaviours.....

and that is ok....

I trust I get enough time to deal with it...

one day at a time :-)