On our way to who we are: unconditional love.

I believe the universe gives us lot of signs and.....

if we still don't see it,

it will 'wake you up', 

make you uncomfortable.....

If I look back,

I realise that part of me must be very stubborn:

I needed to be uncomfortable lot's of times....

As a child I reacted in a way a child did:

feel what was going on and made sure

I learned to react in a way so

people around me, that were special and necessary for me to survive,

loved and accepted me.

I learned that to make waves wouldn't be good:

I heard people I loved, 

talk about others who acted different 

than what they thought would be ok....

As a child I decided

that was something I didn't want to experience....

I am not a child anymore AND

I Know and realise those thoughts are very persistent....

it takes time to replace them all.....

Neptune, 

the planet of unconditional love, of Oneness,

spirituality

and also the planet of addiction, martyrdom,

'floaty' -spiritual without grounding-

is going retrograde till the beginning of December.

We will re-visit thoughts/emotions from the last 'year',

so we can re-focus and change if we choose to....

How compassionate were you with yourself and others?

Did you point at others and forgot that 3 fingers pointed at you?

Did you take time for you to relax and enjoy life or

did you choose to run for others.....so you didn't have to look at You....?!?

Do you feel you are a victim or 

do you remember you are 'powerful beyond measure'.

June is the month of Gemini and Cancer,

Communication in an fun and easy way,

connecting with people and being sensitive and nurturing.

A summer month, the Sun is getting higher, warmer.

Can we, like the Sun: 'just Shine'.....

Can we be who we are: warm, compassionate, be our own leader,

and also be part of the community,

or didn't we feel nurtured enough,

do we talk without saying anything.....

Are we still afraid to be ourselves.

Do we feel we have to hide part of ourselves

or else we will not be accepted, loved.....

In my last blog I wrote about my travel back to Holland

from London.

Just 5 day's later it is the remembering day of my brother.

On Facebook I get another reminder of something I wrote in 2019.

 On June 17 last year, we went to Bahrein:

a last road trip before we would go to Holland.

It was special.

Lots of desert storms,

not a lot of visibility….

In Bahrein I saw this and got a feeling:

Something would happen that would be bad...AND...

we/ I could deal with it....

I also knew, I had to share it, and I did….

My sister said: 'we can deal with everything'

when I mentioned this.

I knew she was right AND....

I expected something challenging….

We were busy packing,

and on June 26

I had a last coffee with some people

who wanted to share

and some help:

'I had some challenges in my life'

- I told them-

and...

'apparently I needed to go through them to help others….

to have personal experiences….'

When I came home,

I had a missed call.....

When I called back,

my brother, Nico, was missing...

Could it be, that I had to experience

a 'repeat trauma' ?!?

That afternoon,

I 'saw' a happy brother...

and I Knew it was not a good sign for us....

That night I wrote this.....

Nico, mijn kleine broertje

toen hij klein was en met mij meeging naar Hengelo

'ben je met je moeder op stap?'

Ja....met een knipoog naar mij.

's Nachts bij mij in bed als je heel veel jeuk had,

en na verhaaltjes viel je weer in slaap.

Heel benauwd zijn en...

ik was bang dat je dood ging.

Je ging naar het ziekenhuis

waar ik in de schoolpauze op bezoek ging.

Het plastic horloge dat ik je gaf raakte zoek.....

dat vond je erg.

Bij de eindmusical op de lagere school stal je de show:

entertainen zat in je bloed.....

misschien wel te veel...

Toen ik lesgaf en in Goor woonde,

haalde je mij tussen de middag op:

'ga mee thuis eten.'

Je kwam op bezoek op mijn kamer:

bij mij mocht je altijd alle koekjes opeten.

Je bracht Loes een toeter toen ik in het ziekenhuis lag:

jij kwam na school nu bij mij in het ziekenhuis.

Je ging naar Mallorca

en heel lang kwam ik daar niet:

wij dachten dat het alleen maar een partyeiland was.

Hoe blij was je

toen je tijdens een etentje in Nederland met broers en zussen

vertelde dat je vader werd.

Ik werd Maren's peettante,

dat was de eerste keer dat je vertelde dat je soms in een dip zat.

Alles wilde je doen voor Alicia,

en na Maren kwamen er nog 2 kinderen.

De laatste jaren kwam ik bijna elk jaar op bezoek

en jij zei: 'je komt precies op het goede moment,

hoe doe je dat toch'.....

toch waren dat vaak uitdagende momenten...

Jij wilde dat Alicia gelukkig was,

de kinderen gelukkig waren en.....

vergat daarbij soms jezelf.

Een maand geleden had ik nog een lang gesprek op skype met jou.

Je had het moeilijk...deed je het wel goed?

'Je hoeft niets te doen om goed gevonden te worden,

je BENT al goed'......

ik maakte me zorgen en.....kon niet zo veel..

Maren werd 16 en ik wilde iets speciaals voor haar doen.

Jij gaf aan dat je graag naar Vamps wilde.....

ik had er nog nooit van gehoord.

Wat heb je Maren blij gemaakt met die tip.

Ze heeft samen met Fabienne van het concert genoten.

En nu ben je er niet meer....niet meer hier,

maar altijd in mijn/ons hart.

Ik zie op facebook het vrolijke gezicht van je

en vroeg me vaak af hoe het echt met je was.

Sandra en ik wilden zo graag dat je zag hoe wij je zagen:

Een geweldige, lieve, vrolijke en kwetsbare broer,

vader en man.

Een troost voor mij is dat Lisette, pa en ma

er zijn om je welkom te heten waar je nu bent.

Ik gun je de rust en......

als je die hebt gekregen

weet ik zeker dat je er altijd zult zijn voor Alicia,

Maren, Erin en Ewan.

Hele dikke knuffel

Ik hou van jou

-for translation click on 'Vertaal mijn Web'

Now it is a year ago....

lot of things happened.

More to let go....

More to trust...

More to transform....

More to respect....

More to love AND let go.....

It is only a year ago.

I didn't see you so often

and when we spoke it was often

because there was a challenge...

So in a way it is strange as well,

strange to realise you are not here anymore.

Nico,

you are so special....

still....

you taught to give,

you taught respect,

you taught how to put a mask on....

-you made beautiful face paintings-

However,

I wish you felt save enough

to take your mask off...

I am sure your decision

did help a lot of people to

'take there masks of'

I would

it could have been done in an other way....

'Fok it'....

I feel you are happy,

and I can let go....

It also makes me sad sometimes....

Not only for me,

but for all the people you touched....

We have to do it ourselves now.....

and....

I Know you will be there for your children....

they still need you,

even if it is from far....

I trust and let go....

Thank you for being my little brother,

thank you for being you.

Thank you for making the world a better place.

We remember you by

sharing memory's and there are lots

We remember to have fun AND take our mask off,

being vulnerable AND powerful

it is and/and, not or/or.....

We are more patient with our selves

transformation takes time....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBGMQ9Kx9iI

Your favorite song but....

now by an 8 year old girl,

I wish she can do what she does now,

AND always feels she can be her self to!

Are you enjoying the Sun?

Do you feel nurtured?

Can you speak up and still feel loved?

Do you KNOW you are not alone?

Who do you love........

do you love yourself.......

I feel another Neptune 'sign': I feel tired.....

I choose to take more time for me,

and it feels good AND....a small voice tells me

'you are not doing enough!'

'look at....... and......you really need to do that'

When I take time to listen...

listen without judging myself,

I realise those are voices from the past,

images of the past,

a time I couldn't nurture myself,

I 'needed' to be loved

and....'thought' that working hard, proving myself

was the only way......

I realise once more how powerful emotions are....

We like to analyse them with our head

and sometimes believe

that hey can be solved by rationalising......

If that would have been the case,

we wouldn't have PTST,

we would all live the life we choose to.....

Emotions need to be acknowledged,

accepted and felt.......

Need to come in small portions at a time,

because of the power of them......

They also need patience and re-visits....

Every time you transformed a little bit,

your intuition is growing a bit stronger.....

It will be clearer and.....

it will challenge your emotions:

-are you ready to feel more?

-are you ready to let go of old habits?

-are you ready to let go of people?

-do you trust more than you fear or....do you need more time?

Do we need to be uncomfortable,

do we need 'big challenges'

or

do we choose to look at the small signs

and do we decide to change...

to go for love......

We will see the coming time.

Let's decide to trust,

have fun,

be compassionate

and

respect each other.

We all do the best we can,

and that is enough.

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Traveling....

Are you ready for 'old stuff' to come up,

or do you think you solved 'everything' already?

I was traveling on the day, my sister committed suicide, 16 years ago.

On Facebook a memory came up: 

 June 21.

For most of the people it means the start of the summer.

For me it was always the start of the summer,

Then it was the wedding date of my ex brother and sister in law.

Later it was also the date that my sister decided she didn't want to live anymore.

We are now 12 years later. Lots of things happened.

12 years is a Jupiter round.

We are starting a new circle.

Jupiter the planet of healing, growing, expansion.

How is it with our healing?

Can we deal with it on a deaper level?

Did we deal with it?

I am so grateful that she was in my life.

Lisette was a fun loving and caring person.

A great mom, a great friend.

She was also insecure,

wanted to please everyone

and forgot about herself.

Not a lot of people knew

how difficult life was for her,

because she felt she couldn't share it to everyone.

After 12 years I like to keep the good memories:

As a teenagers she was rebellious,

did what she wanted to do:

let's be happy with rebellious teenagers,

they show us they are unique,

helping to make the world a better place!

As a mom, she talked to her kids,

read to them, played with them,

explored with them and had fun.

Lets remember to take time with our kids.

When she wanted to change things in her life,

she started and insecurity came up

when people around her questioned her.

Let's remember that starting something new

takes courage

so lets support people who have this courage.

Most important for me: respect.

Respect someone's decision,

respect someone's choise,

respect each other.

Last and not least:

Forgive.

Know that all of us do the best they know at this moment.

If you know more, you can make different choices.

Never stop learning,

raising your consciousness,

and sometimes you have to say to yourself:

'If I knew what I know now,

I would have made a different choice,

then I did what was best at that moment'

A tribute to a wonderful woman,

deep down I would she would have been longer her with us....

All reactionRose Curtis

 When I re-read it,

fond memory's came up 

and the changes that happened after her decision

were not in my control only....they feel good now.

I traveled late in the evening, so I had time.

Time to do something for others and...

time for me.

It was challenging: what could I do for ME.....

I decided to go for a walk and that was great,

then I read a book and started my journey.

At the subway, I let two trains go,

because I thought they would not stop at my destination....

I realised later that they would have......

Could it be that sometimes a part of me is afraid.

Afraid of making the wrong choices 

and by that, I let good opportunity's go by?!?

It could be only....that is ok.....

I will still end up at my destination. 

I only will be there a little bit later:

it is not a competition......

Accepting, forgiving and trusting....

I don't know if you were ever in the subway in London:

there are lot's of stairs and....lot of diversions....

The last part of my journey was by train.

When I wanted to go to the station,

it was not possible:

'There are no trains from this station,

go back with the subway and go to the last one.'

The other one, was 'the seven sisters'...

-I read the books: the 'spiral theme' is in them as well..-

Ok....sometimes you have to go back

-life is a spiral ;-)-

so I went back to the subway to realise

that my oyster card had not enough balance

and I had to top it up.....

How is it with my energy: do I still give to much sometimes?

Do I have to stop, replenish before I can go on?

Do I need to look into some old patterns?

Luckily the topping up went quickly

and I went back to the last station

as.....did lot's of passengers with me.

At the station it was very busy and there was a delay.I

Lot's of stairs again.....

Luckily I didn't travel with an extra suitcase.

I was suppose to do that, 

but an other arrangement was made

Then there was an announcement:

we had to change stations 

because there was a person hit by a train.......

We had to wait a long time

and then a train came.

I went on, 

only....not all the people went on

and it felt not ok....

I asked....and could jump off the train just in time....

It was the wrong one.....

How often do we move on to quick,

to quick because we are afraid to 'miss the train'...

Don't take enough time to heal,

to re-visit, to rest and enjoy 'the now'....

How often do we think we are the only one

who can help someone else 

and by that we

don't give others the change to help as well...

make our lives a bit easier.

When the next train came and someone wanted to jump on,

I asked her to wait and checked....

no....we had to wait a little bit longer......

When you wait,

 are in a period of healing,

you don't have to do it alone,

you are not alone.

Ask for help or be the one who is helping....

 

When the right train came

it went quick and relaxed.

On the airport everything went quick and easy.

I had time to relax,

time for 'my next move'

I realise how grateful I am for the challenging situations in my life

-for me they are stepping stones instead of mistakes...-

I can look back and be grateful AND go on and look forward to the future.

I don't need to hold on......

I am the person I am because of all the things that happen in my life.

I choose to let go of the pain, the guilt, the shame and forgive,

let love, happiness and light in.

While I write this, I realise also that I still have some 

old outdated habits.

That I hold on to unhealthy/immature behaviours.....

and that is ok....

I trust I get enough time to deal with it...

one day at a time :-)

Pluto back in Capricorn till Jan. 22, 2024

 On June 10 Pluto goes back in Capricorn till Jan. 22 2024.

Do we go back toward 'safety'

or do we choose to go forward toward growth........?

In the world around us 

we probably see signs of control and power games.

Old outdated structures, 'old' leaders

try....to stay the same,

only if they don't take care for everyone,

it/they will not stay in the long run.....

Restrictions, creating fear instead of focusing

on self control, discipline and responsibility.

Governments and leaders are here to make sure

a community can thrive. 

They can make mistakes and we should be open to forgive,

give them a second change.....

If they don't take is we should set boundaries.....

By making rules, 

they make sure we ALL can live a good life.

I always compare it with traffic:

because of traffic signs and rules,

we all can go safely from one place to the other.

Even pedestrians can safely cross the road

because special crossings.

Rules and regulations should help us:

not make us afraid or 

being used to power over someone.

 Housing, banking, health organisations are all related to Capricorn.

Did we transform these or did we think we did,

did we only make 'chances'....

Can we go forward and be disciplined.

Can we be patient and go through our fear and deal with it,

or....

do we blame others, expect the worst 

and forget that we all have our own power....

Do you know what your trigger is?

In the media you can 'hear' what is going on in the world,

only...

can you listen to what is going on in Your world.....

What happened between 2008 and now.

Where did you -have- to transform?

Your work, your family, dealing with dead......

Did you choose to be responsible for your self or are you unforgiving....

Do you expect the worst or do you trust.....

Are you a kind and determent manager of yourself

or a one to blame yourself......

I read my last blog again and......I wrote it for myself.....

I realise I still think I need to be in control.....

I trust....only not 100% yet.....

Am I open for my path to appear,

am I open to go on with changing my vibrations?

In my mind I am 100% open to do this,

only.....I am not there yet.

My boundaries are challenged,

my energy level is not always as I want it to be...

AND

more things go great and sometimes I 'forget' to look at them....

Wishing you all 

months of revisiting old patterns,

recognizing your triggers,

recognizing the immature thinking,

and transform them in mature thinking.

Be determent, be patient

and Know: 

you are powerful beyond measure

and abundance is your birthright!