Transformation means letting go.... the month June....

June 21.

For most of the people it means the start of the summer.
For me it was always the start of the summer,
and then it was the weddingdate
of my ex brother and sister in law.
Later it was also the date
that my sister decided she didn't want to live anymore.

And now, after 12 years,

lots of things happend.

12 years is a Jupiter cycle.
We are starting a new circle.
Jupiter the planet of healing, growing, expansion.

How is it with our healing?
Can we deal with it on a deaper level?
Did we deal with it?

I am so grateful that she was in my life.

Lisette was a fun loving and caring person.
A great mom, a great friend.
She was also insecure,
wanted to please everyone
and forgot about herself.
Not a lot of people knew
how difficult life was for her,
because she felt she couldn't share it with everyone.

After 12 years I like to keep the good memories:

As a teenagers she was rebelious,
did what she wanted to do:
let's be happy with rebelious teenagers,
they show us how  unique they are,
helping to make the world a better place!

As a mom, 

she talked to her kids,

read to them, played with them,
explored with them and had fun.
Lets remember to take time with our kids.

When she wanted to change things in her life,

she started
and,
when people around her questioned her,
insecurity came up.
Let's remember that starting something new
takes courage,
so lets support people
who have the courage to change.

Most important for me: respect.

Respect someones decision,
respect someones choise,
respect each other.

Last but not least:

Forgive.
Know that all of us do the best they  know at this moment.
If you know more, you can make different choices.
Never stop learning,
raising your consciousness.
And sometimes you have to say to yourself:
'If I knew what I know now,
I would have made a different choice,
then I did what was best at that moment'

A tribute to a wonderful woman,

deep down I would she would have been longer her with us….

...so true and not always easy....

On June 17 last year, we went to Bahrein:
a last road trip before we would go to Holland.
It was special.
Lots of desert storms,
not a lot of visibility….

In Bahrein I saw this and got a feeling:

Something would happen that would be bad...AND...

we/ I could deal with it....

I also knew, I had to share it, and I did….

My sister said: 'we can deal with everything'

when I mentioned this.

I knew she was right AND....
I expected something challenging….

We were busy packing,

and on June 26
I had a last coffee with some people 

who wanted to share
and some help:

'I had some challenges in my life'
- I told them- 

and...

'apparently I needed to go through them to help others….

to have personal experiences….'

When I came home,

I had a missed call.....

When I called back,

my brother, Nico, was missing...

Could it be, that I had to experience

a 'repeat trauma' ?!?

That afternoon,

I 'saw' a happy brother...

and I Knew it was not a good sign for us....

That night I wrote this.....

Nico, mijn kleine broertje

toen hij klein was en met mij meeging naar Hengelo
'ben je met je moeder op stap?' 

Ja....met een knipoog naar mij.

's Nachts bij mij in bed als je heel veel jeuk had,
en na verhaaltjes viel je weer in slaap.

Heel benauwd zijn en...
ik was bang dat je dood ging. 

Je ging naar het ziekenhuis
waar ik in de schoolpauze op bezoek ging.
Het plastic horloge dat ik je gaf raakte zoek.....
dat vond je erg.

Bij de eindmusical op de lagere school stal je de show: 

entertainen zat in je bloed.....
misschien wel te veel...

Toen ik lesgaf en in Goor woonde, 

haalde je mij tussen de middag op:
'ga mee thuis eten.'

Je kwam op bezoek op mijn kamer:
bij mij mocht je altijd alle koekjes opeten.

Je bracht Loes een toeter toen ik in het ziekenhuis lag: 

jij kwam na school nu bij mij in het ziekenhuis.

Je ging naar Mallorca
en heel lang kwam ik daar niet: 

wij dachten dat het alleen maar een partyeiland was.

Hoe blij was je
toen je tijdens een etentje in Nederland met broers en zussen 

vertelde dat je vader werd.
Ik werd Maren's peettante, 

dat was de eerste keer dat je vertelde dat je soms in een dip zat.

Alles wilde je doen voor Alicia,
en na Maren kwamen er nog 2 kinderen.

De laatste jaren kwam ik bijna elk jaar op bezoek
en jij zei: 'je komt precies op het goede moment, 

hoe doe je dat toch'.....
toch waren dat vaak uitdagende momenten...

Jij wilde dat Alicia gelukkig was, 

de kinderen gelukkig waren en.....
vergat daarbij soms jezelf.

Een maand geleden had ik nog een lang gesprek op skype met jou. 

Je had het moeilijk...deed je het wel goed?
'Je hoeft niets te doen om goed gevonden te worden,
je BENT al goed'......

ik maakte me zorgen en.....kon niet zo veel..

Maren werd 16 en ik wilde iets speciaals voor haar doen.
Jij gaf aan dat je graag naar Vamps wilde.....

ik had er nog nooit van gehoord. 

Wat heb je Maren blij gemaakt met die tip.
Ze heeft samen met Fabienne van het concert genoten.

En nu ben je er niet meer....niet meer hier,
maar altijd in mijn/ons hart.
Ik zie op facebook het vrolijke gezicht van je
en vroeg me vaak af hoe het echt met je was.

Sandra en ik wilden zo graag dat je zag hoe wij je zagen:
Een geweldige, lieve, vrolijke en kwetsbare broer,
vader en man.

Een troost voor mij is dat Lisette, pa en ma 

er zijn om je welkom te heten waar je nu bent.
Ik gun je de rust en......

als je die hebt gekregen
weet ik zeker dat je er altijd zult zijn voor Alicia,
Maren, Erin en Ewan.

Hele dikke knuffel
Ik hou van jou

-for translation click on 'Vertaal mijn Web'

Now it is a year ago....

lot of things happened.

More to let go....

More to trust...

More to transform....

More to respect....

More to love AND let go.....

It is only a year ago.

I didn't see you so often

and when we spoke it was often

because there was a challenge...

So in a way it is strange as well,

strange to realise you are not here anymore.

Nico, 

you are so special....

still....

you taught to give,

you taught respect,

you taught how to put a mask on....

-you made beautiful face paintings-

However, 

I wish you felt save enough 

to take your mask off... 

I am sure your decision 

did help a lot of people to
'take there masks of'

I would 

it could have been done in an other way....

'Fok it'....

I feel you are happy,

and I can let go....

It also makes me sad sometimes....

Not only for me,

but for all the people you touched....

We have to do it ourselves now.....

and....

I Know you will be there for your children....

they still need you,

even if it is from far....

I trust and let go....

Thank you for being my little brother,
thank you for being you.

Thank you for making the world a better place.
We remember you by

sharing memory's and there are lots :-)

We remember to have fun AND take our mask off,
being vulnerable AND powerful
it is and/and, not or/or.....
We are more patient with our selves
transformation takes time....

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBGMQ9Kx9iI

Your favorite song but....

now by an 8 year old girl,

I wish she can do what she does now,

AND always feels she can be her self to!