Letting go feels like.....

 

If you look at me, while watching the F1,

you wouldn't recognize me.....

I....don't recognize myself.....

I walk away when it starts

like I do when I watch a movie with a lot of suspension..

This is 'strange'.....

how come I can not watch it, 

am so anxious about it....

I remember my mom 

talking about her mother in-law, my grandmother,

she could be reacting when watching a movie

in the same way and......

I felt my mom thought it was a bit ridiculous...

Jaap has the same reaction when he looks at me

when I walk away....

Could it be that I let in to much energy from the outside

and don't know how to set boundaries?

Could it be, 

that even though I Know it is good and important to set boundaries,

that deep down there is an unhealed part,

that doesn't accept that I am more sensitive than I think

and believes I have to 'act and react like others expect me to'.....

So I found a middle way:

I walk away and do 'something else'

and....

if I feel I want to see a part again, 

I go back and start watching.

So....

I watch a movie and/or sports

and write a blog/clean the house or do some laundry.....

all at the same time....

Jaap accepts that I walk away

and doesn't have to react all of the time anymore

because I accept 

that I need to set these boundaries...

even though it can be weird for others.....

My mirror....

I am sure there will be a time 

when I can watch and enjoy the whole race/movie/play

and also that I can decide to do something else....

I did already last time: Jaap watched and I went swimming....

This is also how healing looks like....

How challenging it can be to choose for yourself

if you feel that a loved one doesn't like your choice.....

especially for a vulnerable child.....

I wanted to please my mom......

she could be very judgemental.....

and as a child that must not feel very safe.....

even if her judgement wasn't towards that child

but on people around it or a situation...

However I Know she did it from a place of love,

a wounded love, not unconditional....

She didn't experience this when she was a child.

Working hard, pleasing her parents,

making sure she did well in society...

to make her parents/my grandparents proud.....

I wonder what will happen with the children born now

in a situation of war/lack/fear.

-the same situation as my parents/grandparents were in-

Will they act like my mom and grandparents

or did we as community/world grow and heal enough

and don't they have to go through the same emotions.....

Can they set boundaries, can they be unique/different,

can they choose what they want,

who they want to be

or

do they still have to 'please' their parents/society......

Let's decide to show them that it is ok,

let's start by leading by example.