Friday 21 August 2020

Inner demons...and celebrating

Do you have to face your inner demons before you can start celebrating?
You can start celebrating AND face your inner demons at the same time...

I think that celebrating, being grateful, accepting and trusting
the base it to have the courage to face your inner demons....

A few blog's ago,
I wrote about my grandma,
she was my 'save place'.

AND my mom was my mom:
she taught me sustainability,
making something from nothing,
to go on whatever happens,
to dream big,
that I could do it, even though I felt insecure.

She showed me not to be impressed by angry people,
however....I was.....
My dad didn't like 'wortel stamppot', 
a stew from carrots and potato's.
If we had this for diner,
I already felt anxious.....
I 'knew' what was coming...
When he came in, he looked 
made sure to look for a fight 
so he could walk away from the table...
My mom stayed calm....
I didn't.....I felt bad for my dad....
'he worked so hard!' 

My dad was a calm, loving, caring man,
someone who lived for his family.
Hw didn't only talk about being 
a good person for the world,
he showed it through action,
often 'secret'....
'they don't have to know'...
I didn't see him angry often
and apparently it was something scary for me...

I realised when I wrote that blog about my grandma,
that I am still reacting as that child
and instead of my mom's reaction,
staying calm,
I make sure my husband get the food he likes,
even if it means I don't like it...

Isn't it interesting that those emotions
can go on such a long time before you realise
WHY you do it?

Do I make food that I like and Jaap doesn't?
I choose the food that I like,
when we have dinner outside,
or if the kids are at home.

Now I realise I felt something from my dad...
This calm, loving man,
had to fight in Indie....
a war no one talked about
and lot's of things happened....

I found a way to deal with 
the 'food issue'
is this self-love or walking away from something...
Do I still pick up emotions from others
and do I want to 'save them',
or can I feel them and  
KNOW they are strong enough 
to deal with them themselves?

I can choose to worry about it,
and 'think' about a solution,
I also can trust that I get the mirrors
and deal with the issues that come up....

Our son and bonus daughter
came to visit us from England
and we as a family would all be together,
the last time, 
before their daughter will be born.
At least....
that is what we thought....

Just before their flight,
England decided 
that Holland was not a safe place anymore...
If they would go to Holland,
they had to go in quarantine for 2 weeks
when they came back.....
that was not possible.....

We had the choice to be disappointed and angry
or we could find a solution.
We choose for the last one.
We met in Germany.
They drove to Munster
and we drove to Munster as well.

It was great to see each other
even if it was 'only' for a late lunch.
It was a special week:
Inner demons came up and 
we were celebrating at the same time :-)

In Beirut lot of inner demons come up....
lot of people with war trauma's.
How many people 'felt' emotions 
from their parents, siblings
and are still reacting from that place....

I wish and hope they and we all,
will deal with our inner demons 
AND will celebrate live....
Focus on what is good,
so more of this will come
instead of focusing on what we don't want....

Choose nice to yourself
every start is challenging...
When I look at my first photo book,
I remember my mom next to me,
telling me how to do it.
I had to glue the pictures
and write next to it, myself.
I was not straight,
not how it 'should be'
or perhaps.....
exactly as it should be 
for a child at my age then......
My mom said:
'it's ok, it's your first time,
and it will get better and better'


No comments:

Post a Comment